This is just a short note to say thank you for all the lovely good wishes and we're all sorry (believe me) that I couldn't report back before now - particularly over the period of the labour.
I'm not going to write the warts and all her of the birth of our beloved daughter. It's too traumatising to think about everything that happened. Even the thought of writing anything has just made me burst into tears. But then that's the overtiredness of someone who has lost just about all sleep for the last 4 days, and been to a place beyond any I thought my endurance could tolerate.
I said out loud to her today that I loved her, and it felt different to anything I have ever experienced before. Attempts to ask "Was it worth it" or "Would you do it again" would be absolutely ludicrous at this or any other point. There was a pregnancy, there was a labour, there was an outcome. Luckily for me, it was the right outcome. That and to say that Mackay is a man whose determined, reasonable and tender care was the only thing that held me together. He too can't really articulate or talk about the events that took place over 42 hours of intense labour.
I think that's the end of this blog for the moment. It may transform in to a Motherhood yarn, but to be honest, at the moment there is one important person in my life. And she needs everything I have all to herself right now.
So, Tara for now.
Cait & Nora.
xxx
This is the first and last time that I am going to be writing here. I haven't read much of it over the last nine months, I have to admit; that would have been too much like watching myself on telly or on a home video. But I have taken a peek from time to time, and I can testify that the version set down here does seem to be a true and fair account of the facts!
Cait phoned me at about quarter past seven on Monday evening. I was on the bus on the way home from work, stuck in horrible traffic between Southall and Ealing Broadway. I could tell from the sound of her voice that she had gone into labour before she told me. I got home at about nine. At eleven, the pain began. I am not going to write about the events between that time and 14.08 on Wednesday, for the reasons that Cait has already outlined. Apart from to say this. Never in my life have I seen such courage and determination and love. I am so proud of her, and so delighted that she is the mother of my daughter. Nora is a fortunate girl.
It's six minutes past nine on Friday, and Nora is very nearly two days and seven hours old. Right now she is in the bedroom having her supper. The last couple of days have been something of a trial, because of breastfeeding teething problems [syntax error: mixed metaphor]. But now she is feeding nicely. There will be other trials ahead. We will surmount them. We are taking this one day at a time.
Today I saw my mother weeping tears of joy as she held Nora, and I thought back to the time of my own birth. I had wondered how my mother and father had felt when I was born (I was their first child as well). When I saw my mother's tears, and the pride in my father's face as he looked at her, I knew that they had felt how Cait and I feel at this moment. It is very hard to describe. It is visceral. If we had to lie down and die for Nora, then we would do so without hesitation.
Luckily, we don't have to do that. We both intend to remain alive for a good while yet! And what a journey is ahead of us. Nora's life has just begun. It doesn't matter what choices or mistakes she makes, we are behind her all the way. We have seen her born. She is our flesh and blood and, god willing, she will outlive us by very many years. I love them both individually more than life itself. When I see them sleeping together, my heart breaks with the pain of love.
For the time being, we we will be aplying ourselves to understanding the instructions of the microwave sterilser, and getting used to the smell of pooh. I know how much this web diary has meant to Cait, and how much all your messages of support have also meant to her. Thank-you to you all. Even if she doesn't write anything more here, I know she will continue to read your messages. It's now ten to ten, and I am going to crawl into bed alongside the two of them.
Lucky me.
McK.
Posted by: Mackay at December 12, 2003 10:22 PMhi there.
you don't know me - i've arrived here via Clanky. I have 2 little'uns myself - and wanted to congratulate you on the arrival of Nora.
Having had a very long and traumatic delivery first time around myself - can I just say that it does help (a little later when the dust has settled) to write it all down? Kinda clarifies things in the mind, and lets it out somehow..... and also, time fades these things - 42 hours is less than 2 days out of the wonderful times you are all going to have together :)
best wishes to you all, and welcome Nora :)
krys
Posted by: krys at December 13, 2003 11:15 AMI'm almost in tears after reading yours and Cait's entries. Many of us who have kept up with developments through this blog will miss it, but the blow is softened by knowing that Cait and Nora came out the other side of the ordeal. Nora is a very lucky little girl to have you both as parents.
To coin an old corny phrase, life's not a rehersal. So, now it's curtains up and on with the show. You've only just begun.
Much love to you all.
Louise
Posted by: Louise at December 15, 2003 07:29 PM